Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Worst Movie of the Decade

Wassup Hepcats.
So you know we're doing this whole decade retrospective thing, we just finished counting down the best 100 songs of the aughties. That was cool, right? And we've got some more countdowns on the way. In fact, tomorrow (maybe) we're gonna start the top 25 Movies of the Aughties.
But, as Julie Chen would say, but first....


Okay, I'm sure there were worse movies. Most of them had the word "movie" in the title. And some others were directed by Michael Bay. But no one expected those to be anything more than awful. And this wasn't something that the first person outside of Hollywood saw a clip of and knew it would immediately be terrible. That was "Tiptoes".

And "Bringing Down the House" also wasn't the most disappointing terrible movie of the decade, either. That was "Spanglish".

But "Bringing Down the House" was the first movie I'd ever seen that starred recognizable actors (including two great comic actors, Steve Martin and Eugene Levy) where I wondered if any of them had ever had a conversation with another human being. This movie felt like someone told aliens about black people and white people, and then made them write a movie about it.
I only watched this once, and it was six years ago, but don't you think a middle aged white guy said something like "Oh snap!" at some point? That almost definitely happened.
Quotes (from IMDB):

Howie Rottman: I'd like to dip you in Cheez Wiz and spread you all over a Ritz cracker, if I'm not being too subtle.
Charlene Morton: Boy, you some kinda freaky!
Howie Rottman: Oh, you have no idea. You got me straight trippin', boo! 
Peter Sanderson: I message for you. Howie says, 'The cool points out the window and you got him all twisted up in the game.'
Charlene Morton: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Charlene Morton: I kicked it off the heezy and bounced... fo' real, tho!
Peter Sanderson: What did you just say?

Ashley: Compliments of Tae-Bo: 2 hours a day 5 days a week.
Charlene Morton: Compliments of the hood: 24 hours a day all my life!

Well, I could just do that all day. Let's see what the Real People on IMDB had to say,
Comedy of the year!, 23 December 2005
Author: nbickerstaff from United Kingdom
This movie was amazing, Steve Martin and Queen Latifah are a great team they made the whole movie so much fun. When Peter Sanderson (Martin) expects a date with a classy lawyer at his home, instead a large loud woman just out of prison Charlene (Latifah), appears on his doorstep and comes into his home and his life with a bang! At the end of this hilarious movie after a whole lot of havoc Charlene and Peter actually build up a good relationship despite their differences. All of the cast were brilliantly picked including Peters hilarious assistant (Eugene Levy) Mrs Arness (Joan Plowright) and The Sanderson kids, they all contributed to making this film the movie of 2003!

 Yeah, well, fuck you nbickerstaff from United Kingdom. This movie clogged up my Netflix for like three months before I finally let it come through, and (obviously) I'm still mad about it. Everyone involved in this piece of shit should be summarily executed, except Steve Martin, who must have needed a new pool or something. Sorry, Eugene Levy, even the Christopher Guest movies don't absolve you here.
Top 25 Motion Pictures of the Aughties starts tomorrow. Maybe. If I've calmed down.

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