Thursday, October 29, 2009

Rainout in New York!

Well, unfortunately, Game 1 of the World Series was rained out, but we'll get back back to baseball Thursday night!
This is what happened, and no one can tell me differently.
Anyways, check out my Halloween costume:

Putting together your Billy Mays costume

Step 1: Put on a dark men's wig or slick your own hair back with gel.
Step 2: Get Billy's perfect beard with the use of a fake beard and some spirit gum to adhere synthetic hair to your face. You can also add some light stubble by stippling black eyeliner pencil along your jawline for a less dense look to your faux Billy beard.
Step 3: Put on a white t-shirt and a blue or denim button-down workshirt over the top of it, leaving a few buttons undone.
Step 4: Put on a pair of khaki pants, tuck your shirt in and add a black belt.
Step 5: Grab some household products -- OxiClean optional --and snort a bunch of cocaine to complete your look!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Best of the Aughts Begins....


Schedule for the next week:
Best of the Aughts: Songs (100 - 91) Saturday 10/31
BotA: Songs (90-81) Sunday 11/1
BotA: Books (20-11) Monday 11/2
BotA: Songs (80-71) Tuesday 11/3
BotA: Songs (70-61) Wednesday 11/5
Fuck yeah you're excited.
The boys above have a song in the top 10, first person to post their correct ID in the comments section wins a CD mix of Aging Hepster's Top 100 Songs of the Aughts.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

That Joke Isn't Funny Anmore

Wassup, Hepcats.
I enjoy the blogs ( reminder: short for "e-blogs"). I read quite a few, and have respect for most of the writers. But there is one little cutesy, jokey meme that has been driving me crazy for the last couple of years, and unfortunately, it shows no signs of abating.
I speak of course, about "the internets".
Or, more assiduously, "the interwebs".
Stop it. Just stop it. You aren't 5 years old, you aren't an octogenerian congressman. No one is sitting at their computer, laughing, "Ha, he just juxtaposed a 10,000 word post on Noam Chomsky with the idea he doesn't know what the internet is called! How cute!"
And while we're at it:

  • No more pretending to an emcee at a comedy club. Someone has just made a joke, to hearty approval from your group. How to piggyback on your friend's humorous success? How about something like, "He'll be here all week!" Or, "Don't forget to tip your waitress!" Or "Thanks! Try the veal!" Or not. BECAUSE IT HASN'T BEEN FUNNY THE LAST TEN MILLION TIMES ANYONE'S DONE IT, AND COMEDY CLUBS DON'T EVEN FUCKING SERVE VEAL.
  • His name is M. Night Shyamalan. I know, I don't like him either. But there is NO excuse to call him "M Night Sham-a-lama-ding-dong". Even morning zoo DJ's stopped doing that after "The Village" came out. Extra points lost for Prefacing it with, "Or, as I call him..."
  • Any joke that got played out a long time ago.  Saying "NOT!" after something (the well-loved "Not" joke from "Borat") is not acceptable just because it's been 17 years since "Wayne's World" and no one you know is doing it anymore. If you still use "That's what she said", you aren't referencing Michael Scott, you ARE Michael Scott.
Any other jokes make you want to send people to a fiery grave, Hepcats? Post in comments below.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sunday Night TV Recap

Wassup Hepcats. So the Yanks Inevitable Game 6 Victory being postponed until last night made upset the apple cart a little bit, insofar as a couple of the Sunday Regulars were pre-empted, and I had to DVR a couple of others. But in the interest of alacrious posting, let's get on with it.
Wasn't on. But if it was, it would have been not as good as it used to be.

Wasn't on. But if it was, it would have had about 27 lame jokes, 1 joke that was borderline offensive yet funny, 1 joke that was actually offensive and not funny, and 1 joke that made me laugh so hard I Lizzed. Plus a plot that made no sense.

I actually haven't watched it yet. I gotta tell ya, my enthusiasm for this show always wanes once the Fighting Married Couple gets booted. And this year's FMC doubled as Massholes, to boot. But I'll stick with it, at this point I'm rooting for Flight Time and Big Easy, because hearing Phil call them that warms the cockles.

HO-LEEEEE SHEEEE-EET, Hepcats, this was the one we were waiting for, wasn't it? Bets confronting ole Don Draper with his Box o Secrets. And, in a stroke of genius, doing it while the chick Don is banging is waiting outside in his car. And she might come in the house at any minute to see what's going on. And oh yeah, it's Sally's old teacher! Way to turn the screws on ole Don, Weiner. Masterful acting job by Jon Hamm in this scene, anyone who's been confronted with previous misdeeds that they've covered up (i.e. everyone) can relate to the mixture of dread and relief Hamm played here.
Also: Roger got meaningful screen time! It was fun to imagine young Sterling fils as a rebellious libertine, and giving boxing a shot. He totally did that.
Even better: Joanie's back! And she clocked Dr. Assface in the back of the head with a vase! (I actually yelled out, "Yes!" when she did that. It was kinda emabarassing.) And Dr. Assface looks like he'll be Weiner's sacrifice to the coming Conflict in Viet Nam. Tears shed? No. No tears shed for Dr. Assface.
Probably the best ep of this show to date. The more I thought about it, I even came around o the last line there, which I had originally dismissed as a little too on the nose. "And who are you supposed to be?" Dick Whitman's hint of a grin said it all. Fantastic.
5 Cans of Horse Meat out of 5

Sunday, October 25, 2009


This will probably fuck up the Sunday Night TV Recap.

The Saturday Night Sports Blog

Wassup, rockers,
Ach. When you are fan of one the top teams, you never want the day to end up as "Survival Saturday", like today (and last Saturday) were. Because that means a. your team struggled and b. the teams you needed to lose acted like total cockteases and did things like blocking a last second field goal attempt or scoring a touchdown on 4th and goal with no time left.
Which is what happened.
Quick thoughts:
  • Was rooting for the Yanks to get rained out tonight, and the God That Does Not Exist answered my prayers. Would have been hell watching the Trojans on the computer, with a baseball game taping on DVR. Because trying to DVR a baseball game is impossible, you end up programming shows 3 hours after the set ending time, and then your DVR thinks you are a huge Judge Joe Brown fan. No winners there.
  • Tim Tebow: 12/22, 127 yds, 0 TD, 2 INT. And still in the Heisman conversation.  If Tim Tebow wins the Heisman this year, all previous winners should send their trophies in to Cash4Gold. Maybe make a few bucks. Except O.J., he still needs his. Go Trojans!
  • Mike Patrick: Called the SC game with Craig James tonight. I can't watch a game he calls without thinking of this.
Good night, rockers.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Friday TV Recap

Friday TV is terrible. That's the reason single people and people without kids (or people who are terrible parents, or have babysitters) go out on Friday nights. To spare themselves the thought process of, "I really want to watch Ghost Whisperer at 8, but Til Death starts at 8:30!"

So I watched The Office and 30 Rock on DVR, then watched the end of Juno on HBO.

Solid ep, much improved upon last week's weird Mafia show, which was devoid of the ha-ha's. Loved Ryan's douchey fedora, and, "That reminds me, you owe me 3 bucks for gas." I think Ryan is my favorite character now, but only because the writers seem to have forgotten about Creed.
Dwight's spy-mallard was funny, but I really wish Jim's prank was better. Esp. after teasing us with the "National Treasure" line.  Missed opportunity.
3.5 Kevin fist-bumps out of 5

Good to see this show is still the most consistently funny, and quotable show on television (Modern Family is a close second right now). Tracy with his reef shark: "You need to put that in the tub, with a reef." That killed me. And a hearty welcome bank to Devon Banks (pouring out a little liquor for "Arrested Development"). "By the time I'm done, you're going to make AIG look like the Lehman Brothers of Microwaves!"
4 Astronaut Ice Creams out of 5

So we put it on, probably more than halfway through, and somehow it just got stuck on the channel. Then about 20 minutes before the end, the wifey says, "I'm just thinking about the end of the movie and I'm about to cry", and I didn't say anything, cuz I was too, but I'm ruff and stuff with my afro puffs so I don't admit things like that. Except on the internet. I don't what it is about this movie, but when the camera pans over to Jennifer Garner in the hospital nursery (spoiler), ach.
Also, Jason Bateman is in it (pouring out a little liquor for "Arrested Development".)
5 Hamburger Phones out of 5

Friday, October 23, 2009

Things My Daughters Asked Me Today 1. Chasing Goslings

This is the first of a regular feature in which I post all the questions my 3 year old twins asked me during the day. Future posts will be more comprehensive, but since I just came up with this idea today, this will be a bit shorter than most.
These questions were asked between 1 pm and 7 pm today.

Why do we bend our knees when we jump?

Abigail: Can I be a bird for Halloween?
Me: Okay.
Abigail: Can I fly?
Me: I don't think so.
Abigail: Awww.

Is Uncle Bobby your father?
Me: No, he's my brother.
Abby: And Johnna is our cousin.
Me: Right.
Julia: Who is our second cousin?
Me: ......

Daddy! Daddy daddy daddy?
Me (on the phone): Julia, I'm the phone.
Julia: I know. Daddy. Excuse me. OK. What sound does a hippopotamus sound like?
Julia: OK. Thank you.

I am reading a magazine with Julia in my lap.
Julia: Who is that?
Me: Chevy Chase.
Julia: Does him chase people?
Me: I don't know. Probably sometimes.
Julia: Who's that?
Me: Ryan Gosling.
Julia: Does him chase goslings?
Me: Do you know what a gosling is?
Julia: I don't know. Who's that?
Me: Heidi
Julia: Does her chase colds that have legs?
Me: Good question.
Julia: Can we have ice cream?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Nectar of the Gods, if the Gods Were Awesome

I know the thinking gentleman says not to mess up his scotch with mixers.
And if we are drinking something whose purchase requires more than one sawbuck, I agree. But cheap scotch and cola, that, my friends, is a cocktail.
Check it:
Make ice.
Put ice cubes in glass.
Put Dewars in glass.
Put cola (Pepsi actually works best with this bad boy) in glass.
Watch "Mad Men" and drink up.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Life and How to Live It

To kick this son of a bitch off:
Five things that make me happy.
1. Dutch beer.

2. Esquire magazine.

3. USC Football.

4. Christina Hendricks.

5. Barbeque pulled pork sandwiches.