Thursday, December 3, 2009

Crappy Movie Compendium: "The Day the Earth Stood Still"

Wassup Hepcats.
So we're enjoying a free HBO/Cinemax preview here at Maison d'Hepster, which means I've been able to enjoy several really shitty movies that I skipped missed when they came out. Last night was a good one.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (the one with Keanu Reeves) 

Okay folks, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that if the plot of this movie was important to you, you would have seen it by now. So, right, spoilers. 
The ending of this movie is retarded.
End spoilers. 
Naw, just kidding, but it really is dumb. Keanu Reeves is gonna have his aliens destroy earth because we aren't taking care of it (important environmental message, kids), but then decides that we are gonna change as a race because we almost got wiped out, so packs up his space-sphere and goes back home. But he never told anyone except Jennifer Connelly and John Cleese about this! (Well, he told Don Draper, but Don Draper gets killed.) No address to the UN, no interview with Katie Couric, he doesn't even go on Art Bell's show. SO NO ONE KNOWS WHY WE WERE SPARED. Instead of going, "Whew, that was close, let's start taking better care of the planet!", people would just think the aliens were a bunch of dicks. Shit, people probably thought we won, that the aliens were allergic to water or air or something. 
Bad plan, Klaatu. Oh yeah, the alien is named Klaatu, because that's a good alien sounding name, unlike our earth names like Keanu.
And then Jennifer Connelly (who is probably stuck playing scientists for the rest of her career, since she's one of the only A-list actress who is hot and seems like she could also do long division) and Will Smith's son have an exchange that's almost as corny as the end of "The Perfect Storm" Diane Lane's giant floating head.
WSS: It saved us!
JC: He saved us.
Also, Will Smith's son plays a total fucking brat who I was rooting for the alien bugs to disintegrate. He keeps messing up his mom's plans. And there's an unnesc. amount of exposition as to why Jennifer Connelly is taking care of a black kid. I think someone at 20th Century Fox owed Will Smith a favor, and figured they could just stick him in here and no one would ask questions.
One final thing: Outlaw Vern recently reviewed "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans", and coined the term "mega-acting" in regard to Nicolas Cage's enjoyable over the top performances. I'd like to coin a new term in regard to Keanu here: nano-acting. When one's acting is so small it's almost as if the actor is just reading the lines from a script.
Great nano-acting here, Keanu. That's how it's done.

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