Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Top 25 Movies of the Aughties: 10 - 6

Wassup Hepcats!
So I've been checking the Google Analytics on this here site (fellow bloggers: you MUST get this. It's free, and you can easily waste three hours with masturbatory stat checking), and was pleased to see we've had visits from 9 countries in the last 2 days. Including two different ones from Greece. So allow me to say, yasas, Greeks!
Previously, 15 -11.
And currently:

10. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

First Impression: Eh. I'm pretty sure I was drunk, and I put it on at like 3 in the morning. I was talking to my buddy Thomas Jay about it later, and was convinced to give it another shot. I'm pretty sure no one who sat near my cube at the time would ever forgive him.

Best Line: Well, of anything on this list (including this movie's inclusion on this list), this may inspire the most argument. I don't know why, but what always cracked me up the most was
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

Although you can't go wrong with
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Anyway. Begin arguing with my choices. And oh shit wait till you see what made Number 5 on this list of the Top 25 Movies of the Aughties. I bet you hated it.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: The fight with Wes Mantooth and his whole crew. "Did you throw a trident?"

Pretty Girls: Christina Applegate is fine here. But, and I think I speak for all males born between 1974 and 1978 here, what would your junior high self have done just to see one of Kelly Bundy's boobies? Kill a family member? Shoot the President? And now they're all gone. Like sands through the hourglass.

Best Scene: The introductions to all the Channel 4 Newsteam.
"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded. "

Rewatchability: You tell me. I just did all those quotes from memory. (I totally didn't. But it's a 10.)

9. Le fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain (2001)

First Impression: Naw, I just call it "Amelie" too, I was just giving a shout out to our Cahiers du Cinema bruthas. My first impression was that someone (Jean-Pierre Jeunet, that crazy bastard) had made a chick flick that male hipsters could love. And did love. I see a movie like "Chocolat", and I see the emotions it was trying to evoke, and then "Amelie" took "Chocolat" by the back of its fat sweaty Weinstein brothers neck and made "Chocolat" go down on it. "This is how you move people, bitch!"

Best Line:
Narrator: Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: When Amelie dissolves into water. It's pretty damn cool.

Pretty Girls: Audrey Tatou has NEVER been written about in a sentence that didn't either mention Audrey Hepburn or use the word "gamine". Until now: Audrey Tatou is gorgeous, way prettier than Audrey Hepburn and I didn't know what "gamine" meant until I looked it up. Shit, oops.

Best Scene: Not really a scene per se, but the whole thing with her dad and the garden gnome was tres charming. (Tres is French for "wicked".)

Rewatchability: 9. One of those movies where you forget how entertaining it is until it's on.

8. Juno (2007)

First Impression: After the scene with Dwight Schrute, I was ready to walk out. If I wasn't on a date with Mrs. Hepster, I might have. The first five minutes were everything I was afraid this movie was going to be. And then by the end, I was choking back sobs. But I could still kick your ass!

Best Line: There IS a lot of cutesy dialogue, and a lot of it is actually funny, but this exchange always makes me laugh:
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Ah, when we finally see the note, and it's framed in the baby's room. Choking back SOBS I tell ya. And I could still kick your ass.

Pretty Girls:  Jennifer Garner is pretty easy on the eyes.

Best Scene: When Juno and her dad meet Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. Especially since it sets us up so well that Bateman is the cool guy and Garner is an uptight bitch. Well done, Diablo Cody, even if your name is Diablo Cody.

Rewatchability: 9. I had to stop watching it last month. It was on all the time. Would be a ten but certain lines ("Honest to blog") get more annoying with each view.

7. There Will Be Blood (2007)

First Impression:  I know I made fun of people who use the term "pure cinema" in an earlier post. Seriously, though, this is pure fucking cinema. If I never had a vasectomy I would impregnate Paul Thomas Anderson just to have offspring half as talented as he is. And I had never given Daniel Day Lewis any thought, other than he was a little overcooked in "Gangs of New York". Daniel Day Lewis is my fucking boy now, after this piece of cinema, which is pure.

Best Line: Everybody now!
Plainview: They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli- one of Bandy's sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.
Eli Sunday: If you would just take this lease, Daniel...
Plainview: Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I'm so sorry. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake!
[sucking sound]
Plainview: I drink it up!

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Not to give away what I haven't already, but it involves a priest and a bowling alley.

Pretty Girls: Hold on, let me check IMDb. OK, I'm back. That would be no. This is PURE CINEMA, after all. No room for playing grabass.

Best Scene: Daniel Day Lewis at the beach with his "brother". Just looking at him, as he bobs in the waves. Just looking.

Rewatchability: Incomplete. And the only reason this is out of the top 5. This pure cinema needs to start playing on HBO or Cinemax soon, or I'm gonna have to do something like buy a DVD. And we don't want that, Hepcats.

6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

First Impression: I honestly don't remember, as I'd been jacked for this movie the moment it came down the wire that Wes Anderson's next movie was going to be about a family of geniuses. I think I almost passed out when I heard that. I do remember watching it at my little brother's apartment one night a few years ago, proud that he had such good taste in movies. He had the Criterion collection edition and everything.

Best Line:
Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.

Note: This is why I still, to this day, think "I did indeed" is a funny phrase, and try to fit it in where I can. Ask Mrs. Hepster. She can confirm.

"Holy Shit!" Moment: Eli crashing into the house. "Here I come!"

Pretty Girls: I'm not the biggest Gywneth Paltrow fan in the world, but sometimes she looks good. She looked really good in "Iron Man". She looks good here. Enough to be approved for our purposes.

Best Scene: The montage of Royal with his grandsons on the town is poignant and funny. Just like almost every other scene in this movie.

Rewatchablity: 10. Almost a 10.5 now that you can try to figure out which cast member Luke Wilson ate before he started doing those AT&T commercials. I bet it was Seymour Cassel.

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