Aging Hepster: Song Detective!

Wassup Hepcats,
Like most of you, I was going to sleep last night and I saw that "Watchmen" was about to start on HBO. "Watchmen" has somehow entered into the pantheon of movies that I can always put on, and kinda get sucked into. Or fall asleep to.
So I switch over, and it hasn't started yet, cuz "Big Love" is running late or maybe I was just early because goblins took my watch (according to one of the twinnies). Anyway, "Big Love" is on. Is ending. And this song is playing as Chloe Sevingny is crying, and then the credits, and hepcats, I fucking FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG. It sounded like Arcade Fire had a baby with MGMT or some other lame "had a baby with" mixture (which is really annoying, and I hate when people do it, because there are like 7 people in Arcade Fire and two in MGMT and WHO'S HAVING THE BABY?) (also hate when people describe something as "on acid". You've never done acid, just stop it).
Well.
I didn't know who it was, or anything about it, and the forums at AdTunes, where I would normally go to find something like this out, had nothing.
So I put on my Aging Hepster: Song Detective! hat! AND!
Found it!




Only took like twenty minutes and wearing the FUCK out of my DVR. So now we're all happy and I fell asleep during "Watchmen", but before Malin Ackerman got naked.

If you have a question for Aging Hepster: Song Detective!, email us at theaginghepster@gmail.com. There is no charge for this valuable service.

Gratitude

Thank you, hepcats!

Y'all made yesterday our biggest day since AH started. I haven't checked Google Analytics yet, but I'm guessing only like 20 percent of you were looking for pix of naked ladies. And some of you even clicked on ads!* Awesome!

*Really, though, you can do that. It's allowed. You can still retain your indie cred, I ain't tellin nobody.


In response, I'll give you a sneak peek of the list I'm working on, which I keep telling you is GONNA BLOW YR MIND, even though it will probably generate 1/3 of the hits anything with "best of" gets. But I'm excited.

I'M KENAN THOMPSON, AND I JUST SHOUT AT YOU NO MATTER WHAT CHARACTER I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING! WHOA!

Make of that what you will. 

Jersey Shore Tonight!

Wassup Hepcats-
Just a reminder that the 60 minutes of awesome that is "Jersey Shore" is on again tonight.

Will Snooki be in a scene where puking is involved (Almost definitely!)

Will that really big guy "pound out" one of this housemates? (It is almost assured!)

Will my TV contract genital warts? (The outlook is positive!)

Pauly D, keep on representin' the Biggest Little!

I am giddy with excitement!

Top Chef Recap (Plus Bonus Gourmet Recipe)

Eh, Hepcats, you already know wassup.
Not a great ep of "Top Chef" last night, but it did move us forward to the Final Four that everyone (apparently) saw coming: Red Ewok, Jennifer and the Douchebag Bros. I am officially renaming the Douchebag Bros. right now, because it is unfair to the older one, who is kinda cool.
Older One: Untitled Brother

Younger One: L'il Douchebag

ANYHOO

Poor Eli Baggins got the boot, but not before he revealed that he is BFF with AH fave Richard Blais and 2009 AH Officially Endorsed Top Chef Contestant Red Ewok. So Eli Baggins scored a few style points before his demise, maybe we'll root for him in a Top Chef All-Stars down the line. Not now, though, Baggins, pack your knives if you please.

So Red Ewok won, and Untitled Brother, Jennifer, and L'il Douchebag got to stick around. And apparently next week someone oversalts their dish. And we all know it's gonna be Jennifer.

Which is sad, because we like her.

AH Girlfriend Gail Simmons lost the armflowers this week, and showed a little cleavage, which was nice, but looks to be putting out the big guns next week, judging from the previews.

BONUS RECIPE FOR TIMMY'S TUNA NOODLES

I don't cook, but when I cook, I cook Timmy's Tuna Noodles.

1. Take some noodles (uncooked).
   
2. Take some tuna, and open it.
3. Start cooking those noodles. 7 minutes in boiling water, please!
4. Make that tuna. Use a big old forkful of Miracle Whip and mash up the tuna with it. Chunk Light Tuna in water is the preferred choice.
5. Strain those noodles. Preferably in a strainer. (Called a colander in some states and Canada)
6. Return noodles to pot, and put a shitload of Country Crock brand spread in there.
7. Put tuna in pot, and mix all that shit up.
8. Enjoy!
9. Timmy's Tuna Noodles! patent pending
   

Top 100 Songs of the Aughties, 60 - 51

Wassup Hepcats!
A quick note on Top Chef. Normally, I hate that wang judge Toby with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns,  but he hasn't really been that bad this season. And Aging Hepster Girlfriend Gail Simmons, when she has been on the show, hasn't really represented. That dress she wore the other night almost cost her AHG status. Let's pick it up Simmons. Less armflowers, more cleavage.
But now we're down to 5, and the Top Four we all saw coming since week 3 is still in place: The Red Ewok, Douchebag 1 and Douchebag 2, and Jennifer. And then Eli Baggins.
The Aging Hepster is officially endorsing The Red Ewok, after Jennifer seemingly caught a case of the yips (wiki Ankiel, Rick or Sax, Steve if you aren't a baseball fan). It was neck and neck all year, and while Jennifer is nice to look at, the Red Ewok is just so durn cute with his bald spot and tiny eyes. And Douchebag 1 is actually alright, if only because he hates his little brother. But still:

OFFICIALLY ENDORSED!

Tunes!

This is the end of the first half of The Top 100 Songs of the Aughties. We will continue with 50 - 41 in December. Be strong, Hepcats.

60. "Arizona" - Pedro the Lion (Achilles' Heel, 2004) A bizarre love triangle in which the state of New Mexico suspects his girlfriend Arizona of hooking up with California. Really, that's it. New Mexico engages in fisticuffs. It does not end well.

59. "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" - Flogging Molly (Drunken Lullabies, 2002) I'll be honest, that doesn't make any sense to me either. How would one leave this world alive? But right around the time you start questioning the logic, the beat kicks in, and you are doing a fucking REEL.

58. "Trains" - Chris Blake (Wave, 2008) Aw, man, is there anything worse than not knowing when, or if, she's coming home?

57. "Spectacular Views" - Rilo Kiley (The Execution of All Things, 2002) Jenny Lewis says "fuck" more beautifully than any singer in history. When she sings, "It's so fucking beautiful", it really is.

56. "Daniel" - Bat for Lashes (Two Suns, 2009) The video seems to suggest that this song is about Daniel LaRusso. And if you listen to it that way, among the cinders and rain, the embers and fire, it makes sense. "I dream of home," she sings. Home in the All-Valley Tournament, I bet.

55. "This Year" - Mountain Goats (The Sunset Tree, 2005) An anthem about a 17 year old boy leaving the house, making out with a drunk chick named Cathy, and tearing home in time to get the shit beat out of him by his stepfather. "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me." The emancipation of 18.


54. "Me & Mia" - Ted Leo & The Pharmacists (Shake the Sheets, 2004) Providence represent! Probably not about Ms. Mia Wallace. But I pretend it is.

53. "Massive Nights" - The Hold Steady (Boys and Girls in America, 2006) Well if this isn't the Aging Hepster Theme Song, I don't know what is. Someday Hepcats, we'll have sponsors, and those sponsors will offer all of us Hold Steady tix. And we will have Massive Nights.


52. "Release the Stars" - Rufus Wainwright  (Release The Stars, 2008) Rufus can write a great a pop song when he wants to. And this is a great pop ballad, Sinatra would have been proud to record it. For Reprise, though, not Capitol.

51. "The Crane Wife 1 & 2" - The Decemberists (The Crane Wife, 2006) A pet peeve: "concept albums" where you would have no idea there was a concept behind the album if you hadn't read about it in SPIN, or if the album title didn't include a Roman numeral or a colon. The Crane Wife suffers no such pretention: it beings with "The Crane Wife 3", kinda like how Pulp Fiction starts off with Ringo and Honey Bunny. But we get the whole story eventually, and we get it in an expository ballad that provides the climax of the album.

And we will continue The Top 100 Songs of the Aughties in December.
Stay tuned for something fun.

The Top 100 Songs of the Aughties, 90 - 81

Wassup Hepcats.
Wicked sorry for the delay, got laid up up with a touch of the sickness.
One good thing about it was I got to speed through season one of "True Blood". I'm not one usually to go for the whole vampire thing, but I found this show surprisingly enjoyable. Still waiting for season two to show up on demand, but if it matches season one in terms of vampire mayhem, buckets of gore, and gratuitous nudity, I'll be pleased. Plus maybe the greatest title sequence of the last ten years.


See? Sex, death, swamps, and hillbillies. Plus that song ("Bad Things" by Jace Everett).
On to the tunes.

90. "Dazed, Beautiful, and Bruised" - Catatonia (Equally Cursed and Blessed, 2000). I expected huge things from this Welsh band. This album had 3 really good songs on it, and they had a hot lead singer wearing net stockings on the album cover. But it's never a good sign when the 3rd record a band puts out is a "greatest hits" package. Broke up in 2001.

89. "Wendy" - Jesse Malin (The Fine Art of Self-Destruction, 2002). A strong candidate for underrated singer-songwriter of the decade, Jesse Malin was like the love child of Bruce Springsteen, Joey Ramone, and Billy Corgan, if three men could have sex and produce a musically gifted child, without the tabloids being aware. Good song about the cool chick at the bar.

88. "Imitation of Life" - R.E.M. (Reveal, 2001) The fact that R.E.M. only placed one song on this list, and that was only at number 88, would have caused 19 yr old Timmy a heart attack. This is a beautiful tune, though (with a groundbreaking video). Just let's not tell 19 yr old Timmy just yet.


87. "Nothing Better" - Postal Service (Give Up, 2003) One of my favorite lyrics of all time: "Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures", sung in counter-melody by Jenny Lewis. Fuck, this should have been higher. Also, your girlfriend loves Postal Service.

86. "Fight Test" - The Flaming Lips (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, 2002) Why this over "Do You Realize??" or the title track? It's all a mystery. (I know, lame cop-out. Something about this song just grabs the cockles.)

85. "I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor" - Arctic Monkeys (Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not , 2006) Arctic Monkeys took the Franz Ferdinand sound and slummed it up something hellish. This song came out when my girls were 2 months old, and I used to imagine that this would be the song I'd be getting ready to go out to. Not wistfully, mind you, just thinking about alternate realities.

84. "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own" - U2 (How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004) The best non-cheesy death-of-a-father song ever. "Our house doesn't make a home, don't leave me here alone." Aw, hell.

83. "The Rat" - The Walkmen (Bows + Arrows, 2004) Lady, I wouldn't ignore this guy. He sounds serious. And that drumbeat is fucking SICK.

82. "Buick City Complex" - Old 97s (Satellite Rides, 2001) A coy little song. Rhett Miller laments the loss of his apartment building, but is more worried about : "Do you wanna mess around?"

81. "Gone" - Ben Folds (Rockin' the Suburbs, 2001) Orchestral pop worthy of Brian Wilson, hell, better than Brian Wilson. Ben Folds is too smart to sing about surfboards.

Sunday Night TV Recap

Wassup Hepcats. So the Yanks Inevitable Game 6 Victory being postponed until last night made upset the apple cart a little bit, insofar as a couple of the Sunday Regulars were pre-empted, and I had to DVR a couple of others. But in the interest of alacrious posting, let's get on with it.
THE SIMPSONS
Wasn't on. But if it was, it would have been not as good as it used to be.

FAMILY GUY
Wasn't on. But if it was, it would have had about 27 lame jokes, 1 joke that was borderline offensive yet funny, 1 joke that was actually offensive and not funny, and 1 joke that made me laugh so hard I Lizzed. Plus a plot that made no sense.

THE AMAZING RACE
I actually haven't watched it yet. I gotta tell ya, my enthusiasm for this show always wanes once the Fighting Married Couple gets booted. And this year's FMC doubled as Massholes, to boot. But I'll stick with it, at this point I'm rooting for Flight Time and Big Easy, because hearing Phil call them that warms the cockles.

MAD MEN
HO-LEEEEE SHEEEE-EET, Hepcats, this was the one we were waiting for, wasn't it? Bets confronting ole Don Draper with his Box o Secrets. And, in a stroke of genius, doing it while the chick Don is banging is waiting outside in his car. And she might come in the house at any minute to see what's going on. And oh yeah, it's Sally's old teacher! Way to turn the screws on ole Don, Weiner. Masterful acting job by Jon Hamm in this scene, anyone who's been confronted with previous misdeeds that they've covered up (i.e. everyone) can relate to the mixture of dread and relief Hamm played here.
Also: Roger got meaningful screen time! It was fun to imagine young Sterling fils as a rebellious libertine, and giving boxing a shot. He totally did that.
Even better: Joanie's back! And she clocked Dr. Assface in the back of the head with a vase! (I actually yelled out, "Yes!" when she did that. It was kinda emabarassing.) And Dr. Assface looks like he'll be Weiner's sacrifice to the coming Conflict in Viet Nam. Tears shed? No. No tears shed for Dr. Assface.
Probably the best ep of this show to date. The more I thought about it, I even came around o the last line there, which I had originally dismissed as a little too on the nose. "And who are you supposed to be?" Dick Whitman's hint of a grin said it all. Fantastic.
5 Cans of Horse Meat out of 5

Friday TV Recap

Friday TV is terrible. That's the reason single people and people without kids (or people who are terrible parents, or have babysitters) go out on Friday nights. To spare themselves the thought process of, "I really want to watch Ghost Whisperer at 8, but Til Death starts at 8:30!"

So I watched The Office and 30 Rock on DVR, then watched the end of Juno on HBO.

THE OFFICE
Solid ep, much improved upon last week's weird Mafia show, which was devoid of the ha-ha's. Loved Ryan's douchey fedora, and, "That reminds me, you owe me 3 bucks for gas." I think Ryan is my favorite character now, but only because the writers seem to have forgotten about Creed.
Dwight's spy-mallard was funny, but I really wish Jim's prank was better. Esp. after teasing us with the "National Treasure" line.  Missed opportunity.
3.5 Kevin fist-bumps out of 5

30 ROCK
Good to see this show is still the most consistently funny, and quotable show on television (Modern Family is a close second right now). Tracy with his reef shark: "You need to put that in the tub, with a reef." That killed me. And a hearty welcome bank to Devon Banks (pouring out a little liquor for "Arrested Development"). "By the time I'm done, you're going to make AIG look like the Lehman Brothers of Microwaves!"
4 Astronaut Ice Creams out of 5

THE END OF "JUNO" ON HBO
So we put it on, probably more than halfway through, and somehow it just got stuck on the channel. Then about 20 minutes before the end, the wifey says, "I'm just thinking about the end of the movie and I'm about to cry", and I didn't say anything, cuz I was too, but I'm ruff and stuff with my afro puffs so I don't admit things like that. Except on the internet. I don't what it is about this movie, but when the camera pans over to Jennifer Garner in the hospital nursery (spoiler), ach.
Also, Jason Bateman is in it (pouring out a little liquor for "Arrested Development".)
5 Hamburger Phones out of 5

Life and How to Live It

To kick this son of a bitch off:
Five things that make me happy.
1. Dutch beer.

2. Esquire magazine.


3. USC Football.

4. Christina Hendricks.

5. Barbeque pulled pork sandwiches.