The Worst Movie of the Decade

Wassup Hepcats.
So you know we're doing this whole decade retrospective thing, we just finished counting down the best 100 songs of the aughties. That was cool, right? And we've got some more countdowns on the way. In fact, tomorrow (maybe) we're gonna start the top 25 Movies of the Aughties.
But, as Julie Chen would say, but first....

THE WORST MOVIE OF THE DECADE

Okay, I'm sure there were worse movies. Most of them had the word "movie" in the title. And some others were directed by Michael Bay. But no one expected those to be anything more than awful. And this wasn't something that the first person outside of Hollywood saw a clip of and knew it would immediately be terrible. That was "Tiptoes".

And "Bringing Down the House" also wasn't the most disappointing terrible movie of the decade, either. That was "Spanglish".

But "Bringing Down the House" was the first movie I'd ever seen that starred recognizable actors (including two great comic actors, Steve Martin and Eugene Levy) where I wondered if any of them had ever had a conversation with another human being. This movie felt like someone told aliens about black people and white people, and then made them write a movie about it.
I only watched this once, and it was six years ago, but don't you think a middle aged white guy said something like "Oh snap!" at some point? That almost definitely happened.
Quotes (from IMDB):

Howie Rottman: I'd like to dip you in Cheez Wiz and spread you all over a Ritz cracker, if I'm not being too subtle.
Charlene Morton: Boy, you some kinda freaky!
Howie Rottman: Oh, you have no idea. You got me straight trippin', boo! 

 

Peter Sanderson: I message for you. Howie says, 'The cool points out the window and you got him all twisted up in the game.'
Charlene Morton: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


Charlene Morton: I kicked it off the heezy and bounced... fo' real, tho!
Peter Sanderson: What did you just say?

Ashley: Compliments of Tae-Bo: 2 hours a day 5 days a week.
Charlene Morton: Compliments of the hood: 24 hours a day all my life!

Well, I could just do that all day. Let's see what the Real People on IMDB had to say,
Comedy of the year!, 23 December 2005

Author: nbickerstaff from United Kingdom

This movie was amazing, Steve Martin and Queen Latifah are a great team they made the whole movie so much fun. When Peter Sanderson (Martin) expects a date with a classy lawyer at his home, instead a large loud woman just out of prison Charlene (Latifah), appears on his doorstep and comes into his home and his life with a bang! At the end of this hilarious movie after a whole lot of havoc Charlene and Peter actually build up a good relationship despite their differences. All of the cast were brilliantly picked including Peters hilarious assistant (Eugene Levy) Mrs Arness (Joan Plowright) and The Sanderson kids, they all contributed to making this film the movie of 2003!

 Yeah, well, fuck you nbickerstaff from United Kingdom. This movie clogged up my Netflix for like three months before I finally let it come through, and (obviously) I'm still mad about it. Everyone involved in this piece of shit should be summarily executed, except Steve Martin, who must have needed a new pool or something. Sorry, Eugene Levy, even the Christopher Guest movies don't absolve you here.

Anyway.

Top 25 Motion Pictures of the Aughties starts tomorrow. Maybe. If I've calmed down.

Crappy Movie Compendium: "The Day the Earth Stood Still"

Wassup Hepcats.

So we're enjoying a free HBO/Cinemax preview here at Maison d'Hepster, which means I've been able to enjoy several really shitty movies that I skipped missed when they came out. Last night was a good one.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (the one with Keanu Reeves) 

Okay folks, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that if the plot of this movie was important to you, you would have seen it by now. So, right, spoilers. 

The ending of this movie is retarded.

End spoilers. 

Naw, just kidding, but it really is dumb. Keanu Reeves is gonna have his aliens destroy earth because we aren't taking care of it (important environmental message, kids), but then decides that we are gonna change as a race because we almost got wiped out, so packs up his space-sphere and goes back home. But he never told anyone except Jennifer Connelly and John Cleese about this! (Well, he told Don Draper, but Don Draper gets killed.) No address to the UN, no interview with Katie Couric, he doesn't even go on Art Bell's show. SO NO ONE KNOWS WHY WE WERE SPARED. Instead of going, "Whew, that was close, let's start taking better care of the planet!", people would just think the aliens were a bunch of dicks. Shit, people probably thought we won, that the aliens were allergic to water or air or something. 

Bad plan, Klaatu. Oh yeah, the alien is named Klaatu, because that's a good alien sounding name, unlike our earth names like Keanu.

And then Jennifer Connelly (who is probably stuck playing scientists for the rest of her career, since she's one of the only A-list actress who is hot and seems like she could also do long division) and Will Smith's son have an exchange that's almost as corny as the end of "The Perfect Storm" Diane Lane's giant floating head.

WSS: It saved us!

JC: He saved us.

(paraphrased)

Also, Will Smith's son plays a total fucking brat who I was rooting for the alien bugs to disintegrate. He keeps messing up his mom's plans. And there's an unnesc. amount of exposition as to why Jennifer Connelly is taking care of a black kid. I think someone at 20th Century Fox owed Will Smith a favor, and figured they could just stick him in here and no one would ask questions.

One final thing: Outlaw Vern recently reviewed "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans", and coined the term "mega-acting" in regard to Nicolas Cage's enjoyable over the top performances. I'd like to coin a new term in regard to Keanu here: nano-acting. When one's acting is so small it's almost as if the actor is just reading the lines from a script.

Great nano-acting here, Keanu. That's how it's done.