Crappy Movie Compendium: "The Day the Earth Stood Still"

Wassup Hepcats.

So we're enjoying a free HBO/Cinemax preview here at Maison d'Hepster, which means I've been able to enjoy several really shitty movies that I skipped missed when they came out. Last night was a good one.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (the one with Keanu Reeves) 

Okay folks, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that if the plot of this movie was important to you, you would have seen it by now. So, right, spoilers. 

The ending of this movie is retarded.

End spoilers. 

Naw, just kidding, but it really is dumb. Keanu Reeves is gonna have his aliens destroy earth because we aren't taking care of it (important environmental message, kids), but then decides that we are gonna change as a race because we almost got wiped out, so packs up his space-sphere and goes back home. But he never told anyone except Jennifer Connelly and John Cleese about this! (Well, he told Don Draper, but Don Draper gets killed.) No address to the UN, no interview with Katie Couric, he doesn't even go on Art Bell's show. SO NO ONE KNOWS WHY WE WERE SPARED. Instead of going, "Whew, that was close, let's start taking better care of the planet!", people would just think the aliens were a bunch of dicks. Shit, people probably thought we won, that the aliens were allergic to water or air or something. 

Bad plan, Klaatu. Oh yeah, the alien is named Klaatu, because that's a good alien sounding name, unlike our earth names like Keanu.

And then Jennifer Connelly (who is probably stuck playing scientists for the rest of her career, since she's one of the only A-list actress who is hot and seems like she could also do long division) and Will Smith's son have an exchange that's almost as corny as the end of "The Perfect Storm" Diane Lane's giant floating head.

WSS: It saved us!

JC: He saved us.

(paraphrased)

Also, Will Smith's son plays a total fucking brat who I was rooting for the alien bugs to disintegrate. He keeps messing up his mom's plans. And there's an unnesc. amount of exposition as to why Jennifer Connelly is taking care of a black kid. I think someone at 20th Century Fox owed Will Smith a favor, and figured they could just stick him in here and no one would ask questions.

One final thing: Outlaw Vern recently reviewed "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans", and coined the term "mega-acting" in regard to Nicolas Cage's enjoyable over the top performances. I'd like to coin a new term in regard to Keanu here: nano-acting. When one's acting is so small it's almost as if the actor is just reading the lines from a script.

Great nano-acting here, Keanu. That's how it's done.

Top 100 Songs of the Aughties, 50 - 41

Wassup Hepcats!
And we're back! We'll be getting to number one on our countdown of the Best Rock Songs 2000 - 2009 by the end of next week. In case you missed the previous fifty:
60-51       70-61     80-71     90-81     100-91

So let's begin again.
50. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance" - Black Kids (Partie Traumatic, 2008). 2008 was unofficially the year rockers began writing songs about dancing. Why? No one wants to see hipsters dance. Not even to Los Campesinos! songs. I don't think you can dance to this song anyway, but it's catchy.

49. "Nth Degree" - Morningwood (Morningwood, 2006) The first time I heard this song, I thought it was new Liz Phair song, because Liz was set to release a new album soon. I got really excited, because it the a logical next move for her - big, poppy, dancey. After about the tenth time I heard it, the DJ on WFNX finally said the name and artist. Oh well. And Liz's album ended up being terrible, thought the song about drinking was good.

48. "Bag of Hammers" -Thao Nguyen & The Get Down Stay Down (We Brave Bee Stings and All, 2008). There are some songs that will always make you sway in your seat, smiling. This is one. And as a bonus, as your smile is at its widest, she sings, "Like a lick of ice cream!" Perfect.


47. "C'mon C'mon" - The Von Bondies (Pawn Shoppe Heart, 2004) Time is cruel. When this song came out, I thought it was the best straight ahead rock song I'd heard in a long time, and The Von Bondies were a band that could challenge for Hepster Supremacy. Now, six years later, all anyone remembers about the Von Bondies is that Jack White beat up their lead singer, and this song has been ruined by making me think of Denis Leary every time I hear it. "A" for effort though.

46. "Nowhere Again" - The Secret Machines (Now Here is Nowhere, 2004) The Secret Machines are one of those bands (Sloan, Wolf Parade) where they have two or three good songs and a bunch of awful ones, but the good ones are REALLY good. And we here at AH always appreciate any song with "She's lifting her dress up" as a refrain.

45. "I Envy the Wind" - Lucinda Williams (Essence, 2001) This should probably be higher. I've just heard it too much (due to prime placement on me and Mrs. Hepster's wedding CD). I'd put this song's lyrics up against any other love song ever written. Some may be as good, but none of them are better.

44. "Sorry Sorry" - Rooney (Rooney, 2003) If they ever did a music festival with bands who took their names from 80's movies, well, that would be a really shitty festival. Rooney would be good, though. This is an anthem for all of us who used to be dickheads.

43. "All My Friends" - LCD Soundsystem (Sound of Silver, 2007) You know me, hepcats, I'm not big on the whole techno thing. I went through a phase in college where I owned multiple records by The Orb, but I used to do drugs back then. But this here is a fantastic tune, about looking around and realizing your youth is gone. We've all been the last one at a party, haven't we?

42. "The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret" - Queens of the Stone Age (Rated R, 2000) The greatest trick Craig Kilborn ever played on the world was convincing it that he wasn't the lead singer for Queens of the Stone Age. Don't tell anyone.


41. "Take it Easy (Love Nothing)" - Bright Eyes (Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, 2005) The bachelor's creed, from the underrated "Digital Ash" album. This song perfectly describes my late twenties, and came out three weeks after I met Mrs. Hepster.  More on that once we get closer to the top ten.

Soon, Hepcats

A little blip before we continue the Best of the Aughties. Possibly up tonight, probably tomorrow afternoon though.
So here's a funny video to tide you over.